My loved one died by suicide or overdose. How do we get through this?

Why do I feel so guilty?

If your loved one lived with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or psychosis, you may have spent years watching, worrying, and trying. Now you may replay every phone call and every choice. Many families feel they should have seen it coming or done more.

Please hear this: you did what your loved one's illness, and your loved one, allowed you to do.

A review of 57 studies found that people who lose someone to suicide often feel more shame and more rejected than people who lose someone to other violent deaths. These feelings are common. They are not proof that you failed.

You may also feel relief that a long crisis is over, and then guilt about that relief. All of it can be true at once. That is human.

What do we need to do in the first weeks?

You do not have to do everything at once. Here is what matters most.

1. Ask one or two people to take over meals, calls, and errands.
2. Let the funeral home report the death to Social Security, or call Social Security at 1-800-772-1213.
3. Find out which payment your loved one got, SSI or Social Security, so you know what to send back.
4. Ask the bank to return any payment that has to go back, if it came by direct deposit.
5. Keep receipts for the funeral and other costs in one folder.

What goes back depends on the payment:

• SSI: SSI is paid for the month of death. You do not need to return that payment. Any SSI payment for a month after the month of death must be returned.
• Social Security (retirement, disability, or survivor benefits): No benefit is owed for the month of death. These payments come one month late, so the payment that arrives for the month of death must be returned.
• Example: If your loved one died in July, return the August payment, and any later ones.

Can we get help paying for the funeral?

A death by suicide or overdose on its own usually does not qualify for crime victim compensation. These programs cover certain violent crimes.

If someone else's violence caused the death, or your loved one died in a police encounter in Illinois, your family may be able to get help with funeral and counseling costs. See crime victim compensation in Illinois and Wisconsin for who qualifies and how to apply.

Where can we find people who understand?

It can help to talk with people who have lost someone the same way.

• After a suicide: The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention offers Healing Conversations. You can talk with a trained volunteer who has also lost someone to suicide. They also help you find local support groups and counselors.
• Online, any time: Alliance of Hope has an online community for people who lost someone to suicide.
• After an overdose: GRASP offers grief support and local meetings for families who lost someone to drug use.

Other families shared what helped them. These are paraphrased from family members online, not professional advice:

• Hearing again and again that it was not their fault.
• Time outdoors, talking out loud to the person they lost, and writing.
• A good therapist, for those who could find and afford one. Affordable grief therapy can be hard to find, so start looking early.
• Grief groups with others who lost someone the same way.

How do we look out for each other?

Losing someone to suicide is linked to a higher risk of suicide for some family members. The same review found this for partners, and for mothers who lose an adult child.

1. Check in on brothers, sisters, parents, and children in the family.
2. Plan ahead for hard days, like birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays.
3. If someone talks about not wanting to be here, call or text 988 together.
4. Make time for your own care, even a short walk or a call with a friend.

Some family members carry guilt for stepping back to build their own lives before the death. If that is you, please be gentle with yourself. If you are a brother or sister, our guide for siblings may help you feel less alone.